Crazy Train, Ticket for One

OK, we all go a little crazy after a break-up: drunken texts, MySpace lurking, midnight drive-bys of his house because you know he’s fucking his ex again and you’re certain you’ll find the motherfucker’s car in front of his apartment building… what, just me?

Well, Miley Cyrus has totally just taken the crazy cake. In an interview leaked today, Miley went on and on and on about Nick Jonas, the “love of her life.”

“We became boyfriend and girlfriend the day we met. He was on a quest to meet me, and he was like, ‘I think you’re beautiful and I really like you.’ And I was like, ‘Oh, my gosh, I like you so much.’ Nick and I loved each other. We still do, but we were in love with each other.” Cyrus adds of the break-up: “At first I bawled for a month straight. I was so sad. I just went into this weird funk. And I dyed my hair black.”

“Maybe he’ll be my best friend for the rest of my life or maybe I’ll end up marrying Nick Jonas”

Honestly, that’s only part of it. I left out the rest because I know you’ve just puked all over yourself. But, if you’ve got a trip to Mexico next month and want to slim down for those bermuda trunks, like me, I’ve attached the link below. Puke on.

Seriously, Miley reminds me of this guy I dated who was a level 5 clinger. Text messages around the clock, non-stop, sad-faces when I couldn’t respond fast enough. Honestly, and I’m not joking here, he used to send me “muah” texts NON STOP and, eventually, I stopped returning them because, seriously, we’re not 12. And he texted back, “You never send me kisses anymore.” Oh, did I mention it had only been a week and a half of dating? Yea, level 5.

I bet Miley was like that, always smothering Nick when he just wants to focus on rocking out with his bros and taking homoerotic photos with them and stuff. Nick, dear, some advice: change your number, find anew condo, and dye your hair because this crazy bitch will never leave you alone.

Miley fucking drives me nuts, man. One time, I was so angry, I smashed a pay phone into its receiver repeatedly until it was left in pieces in my hand. Miley makes me want to do this again, just, on her face. Imagine it: blood and veneer pieces all over the place. Look out Miley, I’m coming for you.

Oh, and because I promised: Nutball Central